by Daniela Olszewska
A Note on the Text: The following files were recovered from the government archives of the former United States of America. They are believed to be the preliminary status reports on the alien-she super-hybrid known as Lady Gaga. Due to the poor condition of the documents, it is impossible to say for certain which filings belong to which government agency (Though the Drs. Hailey and Haberton insist that files 1 and 3 are the work of the same agency and that file 3 most likely predates file 1. Not surprisingly, Dr. Heathrowe disagrees with both of these assertions.). Suffice to say that Lady Gaga represented enough of a threat to the administrations responsible for monitoring fashion, gender, movement, and media norms to warrant extensive and covert investigation. While non-expert readers will surely find the terminology of these reports laughably outdated, we believe that this is a vital text as it exemplifies the assertion of ancient philosophers Max Horkheimer and Theodor Adorno that there is nothing left for the consumer to classify.
– Dr. J. Havinshaw, University of Interscope
THE GAGA FILES
Age: 3.1.4.
Gender: crotch
Phrenological type: chain bang
Eye color: reptilian
Hair kind: carnage-rolled
Mode of transportation: inflammable
Dialogue: snuff-film
Accessory: fuzzy dice
Color Coordinates: glitter
Fitness Level: barbedwire-core
Education Level: shimmy pop (class 1)
Fashion Rating: prisonista
Combat Rating: bitchfought; on-the-line tops
Community Involvement: blackbox
THE GAGA FILES
Age: ides of march
Gender: fluorescent
Clan: royale
Languages Spoken: face love, studded kiss (reading knowledge only), mediterranean
Astrological Sign: $$$
Alternate Astrological Sign: XXX
Talisman: disco stick
Position: go-to girl
Design: N/A
Virtue: cherry cherry boom boom
Vice: refresh button
Extra Features: trimmings and tipoffs
Sister-Self: rah-rah
Power Animal: fur-less, triple-limbed
THE GAGA FILES
Age: platinum
Gender: classical
Rank: jolt (level 2)
Thermal Image: little monster
Diet: dirty cream
Medication: horsepower
Preferred Bedding: burlesque-style
Incubation: name brand
Dystrophic Fantasy: mutants tap dancing to the best of broadway
Pre-Existing Conditions: retrograde
Manifestation: ugly disease
Progression: sequined gurneys
Hidden Talent: throwing her firearm
Complications: unpeeling
THE GAGA FILES
Age: aries
Gender: nipple parts
Height: metrical
Weight: atomic
Residence: haus of card games
Organ Donation: super throb
B-side: strobe light
Longitude: galactic
Latitude: mammalian
Time Zone: po-mo
Religious Affiliation: lower east side
Philosophical Affiliation: robotics
Moves: tore up like what
Fix: glam
Author Bio: Daniela Olszewska is the author of four chapbooks, including The Partial Autobiography of Jane Doe (Dancing Girl Press) and The Twelve Wives of Citizen Jane (Spooky Girlfriend Press). Her poems have appeared in recent issues of Conduit, No Tell Motel, and Absent Magazine. She is the current Poetry Editor of Black Warrior Review.
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